The Exact Moment I Became Old

Like the story in my last post this event also happened when I was getting a haircut. I assure you that is the only commonality of the two events; different shop, different girl (way different girl), different everything. It is actually quite an old and perfectly true story. It happened six years ago and at the time I was so shocked and embarrassed I was sure it would be my deep dark secret; one that I would take with me to my grave without ever telling a single soul. Since then I have come to terms with the initial shock and have in fact told this story just once. Years later, I realize that I had been in denial since well before I was hit by the reality train and somehow now don’t really care who knows about it. If my tale of woe can give any of you a bit of a chuckle then I suppose that some small good has been derived from the day. So without further delay, here is the story you were never meant to hear… (yeah I know) or read.

The shop seemed fairly new. It was clean and bright and the staff was friendly. The initial vibe I got was certainly promising. As usual I had no appointment but was told they could fit me in right away. I had barely taken a seat and opened a now forgotten magazine when I heard my name being called so very sweetly and looked up to see the kind of girl who sometimes graces these kinds of places with her presence but who never ever cuts MY hair. She introduced herself as Alice and invited me into the back to one of the chairs and en route I was thinking they probably just wanted to make sure I was officially seated and stuck in a chair before they brought Helga out from her hiding spot to cut my hair. To my surprise and cautious delight Helga never did appear and the Lovely Miss Alice stayed right where she was and began the best haircut of my life.

I first learned of and experienced a scalp massage when I got my hair cut in Japan. They sure know how to give a great massage over there and most that I have received since being back in Canada have generally been less stellar in comparison. The Lovely Miss Alice though was doing a great job and didn’t even try to make me talk while she was doing it; she just let me relax and enjoy it. I was sure it would end any moment but she continued for what seemed like double or triple the usual time. I’m never this lucky, I thought, but enjoyed every second of it.

I figured she was about 23 or 24 though I never did ask her of course. She was very pretty but to simply say she was hot would be to completely understate her attractiveness. The way she moved, the way she spoke, the elegance in her voice, the things she said, all showed me that she was entirely beautiful from the inside out. Even if she hadn’t been too young for me she was obviously way out of my league but I was just happy to be there anyway.

Anyone who knows me might be surprised to learn that I generally prefer to just get my hair cut rather than make a lot of small talk throughout all the combing and cutting. I just seem to end up with fewer hairs in my mouth at the end that way. This time though I was happy to answer any questions the Lovely Miss Alice cared to ask me. She was far too elegant to ask anything too personal but she did ask about some of my interests, likes and dislikes, favourite foods, movies, hobbies etc. She just seemed to be really taking an interest in me that no hair stylist had ever taken before. I admit I nearly allowed myself to think that maybe I still had it and that this scissors wielding sweetie was genuinely interested in me. However, I immediately remembered that I never ever had it in the first place so I couldn’t possibly still have it now then could I? Something just wasn’t right. The only logical possibility was that this whole thing was a dream, induced when Helga had clumsily knocked me out with the shower head on the end of the flexible water hose at the sink. Any second now surely I would be awakened by the scratching of her knuckle hairs against my temple as she trimmed my sideburns.

It was all very real though. As the Lovely Miss Alice was finishing up she suddenly apologized for asking me so many questions and then went on to explain that “It's just that I am kind of looking for a nice guy… (Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)… to introduce to my recently single mother.”

[Que dramatic Death Star explosion - Flash! BOOM! Silence...]

(What?... Wait… Mother?…Me?… But…No!... I’m not… Am I?)

That was the exact moment I realized I was officially old and nothing would ever be the same again.

By the way, if anyone wants to know what it feels like to shoot into the sky like a rocket only to be sucked into a Rolls Royce Turbofan and instantaneously chopped into a billion tiny pieces which are then vaporized in jet engine combustion I’m pretty sure I know just how it feels.

I don't remember much between the moment I found out she was considering me to be her step-father and when I walked out the door. I never let her know how she had so suddenly changed me. I did find out that her mother was exactly ten years older than me and I suppose I should feel good that she saw me as a potential partner for her own mother but that was little consolation at the time. In fact, that particular thought didn’t even occur to me until several days later.

I've never been back there since.


P.S. Alice was not her real name. I do remember and will always remember what it was but...