Gum Eggs and Ham

A few days ago I was doing a bit of browsing at the local Chapters and as I always seem to do when I’m in a bookstore, I found myself resolving yet again to do more reading and less TV watching. As I passed by the audio book section it occurred to me that maybe these could be the best of both worlds. They combine the laziness of TV watching with the rewards of actually reading a real book; no need to put forth any actual effort yet still get all the benefits.

I have never listened to an audio book but remember hearing that the narrator of the Harry Potter books is particularly awesome. His name is Jim Dale and he also did the narration for Pushing Daisies which was one of my favourite um… TV shows until it got cancelled. His narration was one of the best things about that show so I decided that his audio books must be great as well. What I am trying to get to here is that I began to search for my favourite Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkaban, in its spinable format. There was however no CD version of Prisoner of Azkaban or of any other Potter books on the shelf so getting a Jim Dale audio book would have to wait.

Just as I was about to move back into the read-it-yourself world of normal books a tray toting teenager from the in-store Starbucks came by and asked me if I would like to try a sample of one of their new breakfast sandwiches. I wasn’t particularly hungry, plus I was chewing gum so I was about to decline but felt a sudden urge to cooperate and help her get rid of her quota. I picked up a section of an Egg McMuffin copycat sandwich, said thank you and smiled as she moved on.

I wanted to get rid of my gum before eating the ham and egg muffin but there was no garbage can nearby. I took it out of my mouth and was about to flatten it between pages 266 and 267 of… (No I didn't, just kidding. Do you really think I would do such a thing?) Anyway, I decided that I could just tuck the gum up above my front teeth, quickly chew and swallow the food and then bring the gum back down and it would never know that I had cheated on it. After a few chews the gum started to slip so I immediately thought to move it to the yet unoccupied back corner of my mouth and keep the muffin on the other side. This bright idea also quickly degenerated into a big mess and within seconds the gum and the muffin were irreversibly combined into a ham and egg flavoured, lumpy goo which had just a lingering hint of minty freshness. My final desperate attempt to rescue the situation involved chewing up the whole mess until only the gum remained but that also quickly became obviously impossible. Finally I gave up and swallowed my pride along with the muffin-gum. Yummy! Decades ago I learned to walk and chew gum at the same time but now I know that eating and chewing gum simultaneously is a skill I will never master.

I left Chapters empty handed, with no new book to better my mind and just a bit grossed out.

Now where’s that remote?

Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls
(please see comments for why)