It's that time again folks, time for another virtual treasure hunt using a movie and Google Earth. If you'd like to play this time the movie you'll get to watch is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Wait, don't click away to Facebook just yet, just hear me out on this.
I remember seeing CCBB as a young kid but I'm not quite sure if I saw it in the theater or on TV. Until seeing it again a couple of days ago I didn't remember much of the story, only that it made a big impact on me when I saw it as a child.
When I watched it again a few days ago it struck me how different it is from movies that come out these days. The two main kids in the movie especially were quite a shock. Instead of the eye rolling, know it all, wiser than every adult, ungrateful, cynical and sarcastic brats that inhabit every screen these days, the kids in CCBB are respectful and sweet. I kept waiting for them to produce some attitude but they never did. I can't say why exactly but that one aspect was just so nice and refreshing to see I had to share it with you.
Overall it's a very fun film, kind of a James Bond caper for kids. This is not surprising as the original story is by Ian Fleming the author of the Bond stories. There is some singing but it all fits in nicely with the story and the songs are mostly good and fun. One more refreshing part about CCBB is that it's not based on any cartoon or video game characters so you can actually show it to your kids without worrying about going out after and buying them all the officially licensed merchandise or McToys.
At 145 minutes it's a bit long but I recommend it highly. There is one particular character in it called the Child Catcher who, you guessed it, catches children. He is nothing but funny to adults but kids may find him genuinely creepy in the kind of way political correctness and social engineering have mostly eliminated from modern movies. Kids raised on Barny and Dora might find him quite scary. On that note, on to the game we go.
If you played along last time this will all be familiar to you. Below you will find twelve questions. The answers to the questions can be found in the movie. The answers will appear in the same order as the questions so there is no need to look for more than one answer at a time. Each answer will be a single digit number. The twelve questions will be lettered A through L. The answers when entered into the following format will become the latitude and longitude coordinates to a certain spot on the earth.
AB°CD'EF" North
GH°IJ'KL" East
You can then use Google Earth to locate the spot and find out what is there. You will need to have the "geographic web" layers selected/checked (at least the panoramio option) and then click on any of the little blue squares that appear at the location to find out just what is there. I don't have any prizes to give out this time so it will be just for the fun of playing. Please tell me the coordinates you come up with and what you find in the location by leaving a comment. Of course since the answer will appear there make sure you don't look at the comments until you are finished the game and/or are ready to check.
Here are the twelve questions:
A - How many sails/blades are there on the Potts' windmill? (Just to be clear, assume each sail ends at the center hub. In other words, you should count separately sails directly opposite each other extending out from the center on the same line.)
B - How many vertical wooden bars are there in the chair back of the chair Mr. Potts is sitting in when Edison first whistles through a candy?
C - How many kinds of treasure do Jeremy and Jemima have in their treasure chest?
D - How many pence was Caractacus charging for a haircut?
E - How many "change room" tents do they set up on the beach where they have their picnic?
F - Subtract 2 from the number of stones Truly steps on when she crosses the pond.
G - When the two spies meet grandpa Potts how many medals is he wearing on his chest?
H - Subtract 1 from the number of pockets on the billiard table seen when grandpa enters the castle.
I - How many "Jack-in-the-Boxes" does the Child Catcher open in the Toy Maker's basement?
J - When the Baron opens the trapdoor how many lit candles are there in the candle stand in the background?
K - When Chitty lifts off and leaves the castle how many people are in the car?
L - Add 3 to the number of buttons on the vest Lord Scrumptious is wearing in the Potts' home?
Good luck with the game, mostly though I hope you enjoy the movie. I'm so glad I rediscovered it after all these years. If you don't have a copy you can borrow mine if you're close enough. It's definitely worth renting or even buying. I think HMV has the full screen version going for $6 right now.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Some of My Favourite Movies
A few days ago I decided to add just one category of interests to my nearly blank blogger profile. Justified or not I'm always cautious about launching too much personal information into cyberspace but I figured a list of my favourite movies couldn't hurt much.
After adding the list of some of my favourite films I found that each movie in my list became a clickable link to a page which shows all of the other bloggers who included the same movie in their lists and of course the constantly changing total number of people who did. (I'm sure you all knew about this stuff but it was news to me.)
Anyway, my list of thirty films includes many of my favourites but I wouldn't necessarily say it includes all of them. It's just a list I came up with off the top of my head. You may notice the absence of many hugely popular big blockbusters or well known, well loved classics. It's not that I don't like some/many of them it's just that I didn't see the point of including them as it wouldn't give you much information about my own specific taste in movies.
What I found most interesting was to see how many other people shared my interest in each particular movie. The range was from a whopping 250,000 people who love The Princess Bride (no surprise there) all the way down to only 2 people (just me and Lizy from Chile) who both love The Road Home. Actually that is not much of a surprise either since it is a little known (at least in North America) Chinese picture. It is a shame though. Although my favourites fluctuate somewhat The Road Home is often at the very top of my list and never ever out of my top five. In fact all three of the movies on my list which only show a single digit after them are usually in my top ten. The Road Home, To Live and Grave of the Fireflies.
So here it is, my list of thirty uplifting, dramatic, magical, romantic, heart rending, gut wrenching, epic, elegant, fantastic, cool, rejuvinating, hilarious, smart, lovely, mind bending, captivating, tragic, hopeful, inspiring and just plain awesome movies.
Roman Holiday 119,000
Braveheart 180,000
The Shawshank Redemption 195,000
Stardust 78,900
The Road Home (Wo de fu qin mu qin) 2
The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen) 28
To Live (Huozhe) 5
Groundhog Day 73,400
The Big Lebowski 83,100
Peter Pan (2003) 320
Out of Sight 4,600
Grave of the Fireflies (Hotaru no haka) 9
The Princess Bride 250,000
The Station Agent 13,000
Aliens 74,800
Before Sunrise 41,900
Kill Bill Vol. 2 5,300
Snatch 178,000
Lost in Translation 230,000
The Usual Suspects 93,900
To Kill a Mockingbird 102,000
Immortal Beloved 4,700
Run Lola Run (Lola Rennt) 22
The Prestige 73,200
Big Fish 202,000
Tombstone 67,900
Ghost World 47,300
Last of the Mohicans 33,200
Gosford Park 16,400
Open your Eyes (Abre los ojos) 12
Does any of these make your list?
What is one of your lesser known but favourite movies?
Would you like to know more about any of these?
Do you have any recommendations?
I sure would like to meet Lizy from Chile some day.
P.S. The number of other bloggers who have favourited the same movies seems to fluctuate wildly. I'm not sure just what, if anything, is indeed up with that.
After adding the list of some of my favourite films I found that each movie in my list became a clickable link to a page which shows all of the other bloggers who included the same movie in their lists and of course the constantly changing total number of people who did. (I'm sure you all knew about this stuff but it was news to me.)
Anyway, my list of thirty films includes many of my favourites but I wouldn't necessarily say it includes all of them. It's just a list I came up with off the top of my head. You may notice the absence of many hugely popular big blockbusters or well known, well loved classics. It's not that I don't like some/many of them it's just that I didn't see the point of including them as it wouldn't give you much information about my own specific taste in movies.
What I found most interesting was to see how many other people shared my interest in each particular movie. The range was from a whopping 250,000 people who love The Princess Bride (no surprise there) all the way down to only 2 people (just me and Lizy from Chile) who both love The Road Home. Actually that is not much of a surprise either since it is a little known (at least in North America) Chinese picture. It is a shame though. Although my favourites fluctuate somewhat The Road Home is often at the very top of my list and never ever out of my top five. In fact all three of the movies on my list which only show a single digit after them are usually in my top ten. The Road Home, To Live and Grave of the Fireflies.
So here it is, my list of thirty uplifting, dramatic, magical, romantic, heart rending, gut wrenching, epic, elegant, fantastic, cool, rejuvinating, hilarious, smart, lovely, mind bending, captivating, tragic, hopeful, inspiring and just plain awesome movies.
Roman Holiday 119,000
Braveheart 180,000
The Shawshank Redemption 195,000
Stardust 78,900
The Road Home (Wo de fu qin mu qin) 2
The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen) 28
To Live (Huozhe) 5
Groundhog Day 73,400
The Big Lebowski 83,100
Peter Pan (2003) 320
Out of Sight 4,600
Grave of the Fireflies (Hotaru no haka) 9
The Princess Bride 250,000
The Station Agent 13,000
Aliens 74,800
Before Sunrise 41,900
Kill Bill Vol. 2 5,300
Snatch 178,000
Lost in Translation 230,000
The Usual Suspects 93,900
To Kill a Mockingbird 102,000
Immortal Beloved 4,700
Run Lola Run (Lola Rennt) 22
The Prestige 73,200
Big Fish 202,000
Tombstone 67,900
Ghost World 47,300
Last of the Mohicans 33,200
Gosford Park 16,400
Open your Eyes (Abre los ojos) 12
Does any of these make your list?
What is one of your lesser known but favourite movies?
Would you like to know more about any of these?
Do you have any recommendations?
I sure would like to meet Lizy from Chile some day.
P.S. The number of other bloggers who have favourited the same movies seems to fluctuate wildly. I'm not sure just what, if anything, is indeed up with that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I Sold My Cow For Some Magic Beans
In a last ditch attempt to lure in a few more people to my blog I decided to sell my last cow for some magic beans and rent a billboard in NYC. If this kind of desperation doesn't send my readership numbers rocketing all the way into double digits I don't know what else possibly could.
Onto the $2000/day eye magnet I slapped my unfeasibly handsome blog photo along with my blog title and address. How could anyone possibly resist all that. (Go ahead and embiggen the photo and see for yourself. Yeah I know embiggen isn't a real word but they used it on The Simpsons so that means I can too.)
As I am surely on the brink of worldwide infamy I would just like to take a moment to thank all of you who have been kind enough to stop by regularly even though my blog is plain and pointless. You know who you are and so do I.
Actually, none of this is real of course. (Did you believe it at all for even a few seconds?) I don't even have a cow to sell for magic beans, which I'm sure are wonderful, but I doubt you can use them for billboard rent. It's just a made up photo from a website I found. You can do all sorts of fun things with your photos there so if you want to give it a try just go to MakeSweet and check it out.
So, unfortunately, my blog is not about to become well known. It'll be just you and me as always. If I may I'll just repeat one of my previous paragraphs with the exception of the first part of the first sentence.
I would just like to take a moment to thank all of you who have been kind enough to stop by regularly even though my blog is plain and pointless. You know who you are and so do I.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Star Trek (2009)
I hadn’t been to the movies for a while, let’s see… since Twilight actually, so that would be about six months ago. I hadn’t even been looking forward to this movie particularly but after hearing that it was getting rave reviews I suddenly felt the urge to sit in a broken seat and have my shoes stuck to the floor for a couple of hours.
There were rumours that this was not going to be the same old Star Trek and I was absolutely fine with that. Although I enjoyed the original series, some of The Next Generation and a few of the movies, I am definitely not a Trekkie or a Trekker and would never bother driving through Vulcan on my way to YYC even if it only meant a ten minutes longer trip. Okay maybe, but probably not.
As long you make a good movie, go ahead and make all the changes you want; I really don’t mind.
Changes were definitely made; it’s just the “make a good movie” part that they seemed to forget.
-Spoilers ahead-
The opening scene is excellent, action packed, dramatic, and even a little emotionally moving though we’ve just barely met these people. If the rest of the movie is going to be like this… Well, unfortunately it’s not.
What starts with great promise quickly degenerates into a generic sci-fi ‘splosion fest that turns out to have little heart and no soul. Lots of stuff getting “blowed up real good” and with that oh-so-trendy shaky-cam thing going on all the time and so many bits and pieces flying around it is hard to tell what bits are whose. (Hey I can’t really tell what's going on but there are so many explosions, so much stuff flying around and the camera is shaking so badly it must be awesome right?)
I soon got the feeling that I was watching a mixture of Star Trek, Star Wars and Transformers. Upon returning home I checked IMDb to see who the writers were and funny enough one of them (Roberto Orci) was the same guy who wrote Transformers. (If I’d have known that I wouldn’t have bothered going in the first place.)
It is Star Trek mostly in name only. They did a fine job of finding actors to play the younger versions of the Enterprise crew but were inconsistent in that some of them did an excellent job of recreating their original characters (e.g. Dr. McCoy) while others made no attempt whatever to resemble theirs (Kirk.) Either have everyone emulate the originals or have no one do it. To have some doing it and others not seems silly to me. The Enterprise looked fantastic, on the outside, and was much more spectacular than previous versions when letting loose her full fury on the enemy. The interior, especially the non bridge areas, however, was significantly less awesome. Other than the names of the characters and the shape of their ship, there is nothing Star Trekky about the movie so the only real reason to call this Star Trek is to milk it for all it's worth and make as much money as possible... Oh, okay then.
It is like Star Wars because there is much more fighting and billions instead of tens die. Instead of a hopeful future of exploration and getting along with your freaky alien neighbours, conflict and destruction of entire planets are the order of the day. In one particularly Star Warsy scene Kirk is fleeing from a slobbering sticky monster (no not a human toddler) on an icy planet. When he ends up running into an ice cave I almost expected him to find Luke Skywalker hanging by his feet from the ceiling and trying to remember the accio charm to retrive his light sabre... Oh, wait, forget that last bit.
Mixing Star Trek and Star Wars is not necessarily a bad thing but tragically this film is most similar to Transformers. It has the same obviously expensive CGI effects, explosions, baffling shaky cam (hey the movie is getting extra awesome again) all accompanied by a lame story and no characters I was able to get invested in. It seems to subscribe to the philosophy of, if we can keep their brains dazzled and bewildered with lots of flashes, noises and general sensory overload they won’t have time to figure out that it’s all way too much theatre and not nearly enough play.
If you like to slam Mountain Dew while riding down hills in shopping carts and use the word extreme several times when describing your day to mommy while she nukes your pizza pop for you then you’ll probably think this Star Trek is like totally like awesome dude. (OMG! LOL! j/k! idk.)
If you enjoy all the hard work done by the computer people but also need a good story and characters to be the foundation for all the other less important elements then you may well be disappointed in this Star Trek. It’s got a few fun moments and a few great visuals but is completely forgettable.
I give it 6 drops of Red Matter out of 10.
P.S. No one knows exactly what Red Matter is but it plays a huge roll in the movie. It either creates a black hole and/or enables time travel. In both cases lots of stuff blows up so it's like super extra awesome, we just never are told how or why. So dude, just like, try not to like think, eat your like $7 popcorn and like enjoy the ride.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Gum Eggs and Ham
A few days ago I was doing a bit of browsing at the local Chapters and as I always seem to do when I’m in a bookstore, I found myself resolving yet again to do more reading and less TV watching. As I passed by the audio book section it occurred to me that maybe these could be the best of both worlds. They combine the laziness of TV watching with the rewards of actually reading a real book; no need to put forth any actual effort yet still get all the benefits.
I have never listened to an audio book but remember hearing that the narrator of the Harry Potter books is particularly awesome. His name is Jim Dale and he also did the narration for Pushing Daisies which was one of my favourite um… TV shows until it got cancelled. His narration was one of the best things about that show so I decided that his audio books must be great as well. What I am trying to get to here is that I began to search for my favourite Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkaban, in its spinable format. There was however no CD version of Prisoner of Azkaban or of any other Potter books on the shelf so getting a Jim Dale audio book would have to wait.
Just as I was about to move back into the read-it-yourself world of normal books a tray toting teenager from the in-store Starbucks came by and asked me if I would like to try a sample of one of their new breakfast sandwiches. I wasn’t particularly hungry, plus I was chewing gum so I was about to decline but felt a sudden urge to cooperate and help her get rid of her quota. I picked up a section of an Egg McMuffin copycat sandwich, said thank you and smiled as she moved on.
I wanted to get rid of my gum before eating the ham and egg muffin but there was no garbage can nearby. I took it out of my mouth and was about to flatten it between pages 266 and 267 of… (No I didn't, just kidding. Do you really think I would do such a thing?) Anyway, I decided that I could just tuck the gum up above my front teeth, quickly chew and swallow the food and then bring the gum back down and it would never know that I had cheated on it. After a few chews the gum started to slip so I immediately thought to move it to the yet unoccupied back corner of my mouth and keep the muffin on the other side. This bright idea also quickly degenerated into a big mess and within seconds the gum and the muffin were irreversibly combined into a ham and egg flavoured, lumpy goo which had just a lingering hint of minty freshness. My final desperate attempt to rescue the situation involved chewing up the whole mess until only the gum remained but that also quickly became obviously impossible. Finally I gave up and swallowed my pride along with the muffin-gum. Yummy! Decades ago I learned to walk and chew gum at the same time but now I know that eating and chewing gum simultaneously is a skill I will never master.
I left Chapters empty handed, with no new book to better my mind and just a bit grossed out.
Now where’s that remote?
Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls
(please see comments for why)
I have never listened to an audio book but remember hearing that the narrator of the Harry Potter books is particularly awesome. His name is Jim Dale and he also did the narration for Pushing Daisies which was one of my favourite um… TV shows until it got cancelled. His narration was one of the best things about that show so I decided that his audio books must be great as well. What I am trying to get to here is that I began to search for my favourite Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkaban, in its spinable format. There was however no CD version of Prisoner of Azkaban or of any other Potter books on the shelf so getting a Jim Dale audio book would have to wait.
Just as I was about to move back into the read-it-yourself world of normal books a tray toting teenager from the in-store Starbucks came by and asked me if I would like to try a sample of one of their new breakfast sandwiches. I wasn’t particularly hungry, plus I was chewing gum so I was about to decline but felt a sudden urge to cooperate and help her get rid of her quota. I picked up a section of an Egg McMuffin copycat sandwich, said thank you and smiled as she moved on.
I wanted to get rid of my gum before eating the ham and egg muffin but there was no garbage can nearby. I took it out of my mouth and was about to flatten it between pages 266 and 267 of… (No I didn't, just kidding. Do you really think I would do such a thing?) Anyway, I decided that I could just tuck the gum up above my front teeth, quickly chew and swallow the food and then bring the gum back down and it would never know that I had cheated on it. After a few chews the gum started to slip so I immediately thought to move it to the yet unoccupied back corner of my mouth and keep the muffin on the other side. This bright idea also quickly degenerated into a big mess and within seconds the gum and the muffin were irreversibly combined into a ham and egg flavoured, lumpy goo which had just a lingering hint of minty freshness. My final desperate attempt to rescue the situation involved chewing up the whole mess until only the gum remained but that also quickly became obviously impossible. Finally I gave up and swallowed my pride along with the muffin-gum. Yummy! Decades ago I learned to walk and chew gum at the same time but now I know that eating and chewing gum simultaneously is a skill I will never master.
I left Chapters empty handed, with no new book to better my mind and just a bit grossed out.
Now where’s that remote?
Veruca Salt - Volcano Girls
(please see comments for why)
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Exact Moment I Became Old
Like the story in my last post this event also happened when I was getting a haircut. I assure you that is the only commonality of the two events; different shop, different girl (way different girl), different everything. It is actually quite an old and perfectly true story. It happened six years ago and at the time I was so shocked and embarrassed I was sure it would be my deep dark secret; one that I would take with me to my grave without ever telling a single soul. Since then I have come to terms with the initial shock and have in fact told this story just once. Years later, I realize that I had been in denial since well before I was hit by the reality train and somehow now don’t really care who knows about it. If my tale of woe can give any of you a bit of a chuckle then I suppose that some small good has been derived from the day. So without further delay, here is the story you were never meant to hear… (yeah I know) or read.
The shop seemed fairly new. It was clean and bright and the staff was friendly. The initial vibe I got was certainly promising. As usual I had no appointment but was told they could fit me in right away. I had barely taken a seat and opened a now forgotten magazine when I heard my name being called so very sweetly and looked up to see the kind of girl who sometimes graces these kinds of places with her presence but who never ever cuts MY hair. She introduced herself as Alice and invited me into the back to one of the chairs and en route I was thinking they probably just wanted to make sure I was officially seated and stuck in a chair before they brought Helga out from her hiding spot to cut my hair. To my surprise and cautious delight Helga never did appear and the Lovely Miss Alice stayed right where she was and began the best haircut of my life.
I first learned of and experienced a scalp massage when I got my hair cut in Japan. They sure know how to give a great massage over there and most that I have received since being back in Canada have generally been less stellar in comparison. The Lovely Miss Alice though was doing a great job and didn’t even try to make me talk while she was doing it; she just let me relax and enjoy it. I was sure it would end any moment but she continued for what seemed like double or triple the usual time. I’m never this lucky, I thought, but enjoyed every second of it.
I figured she was about 23 or 24 though I never did ask her of course. She was very pretty but to simply say she was hot would be to completely understate her attractiveness. The way she moved, the way she spoke, the elegance in her voice, the things she said, all showed me that she was entirely beautiful from the inside out. Even if she hadn’t been too young for me she was obviously way out of my league but I was just happy to be there anyway.
Anyone who knows me might be surprised to learn that I generally prefer to just get my hair cut rather than make a lot of small talk throughout all the combing and cutting. I just seem to end up with fewer hairs in my mouth at the end that way. This time though I was happy to answer any questions the Lovely Miss Alice cared to ask me. She was far too elegant to ask anything too personal but she did ask about some of my interests, likes and dislikes, favourite foods, movies, hobbies etc. She just seemed to be really taking an interest in me that no hair stylist had ever taken before. I admit I nearly allowed myself to think that maybe I still had it and that this scissors wielding sweetie was genuinely interested in me. However, I immediately remembered that I never ever had it in the first place so I couldn’t possibly still have it now then could I? Something just wasn’t right. The only logical possibility was that this whole thing was a dream, induced when Helga had clumsily knocked me out with the shower head on the end of the flexible water hose at the sink. Any second now surely I would be awakened by the scratching of her knuckle hairs against my temple as she trimmed my sideburns.
It was all very real though. As the Lovely Miss Alice was finishing up she suddenly apologized for asking me so many questions and then went on to explain that “It's just that I am kind of looking for a nice guy… (Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)… to introduce to my recently single mother.”
[Que dramatic Death Star explosion - Flash! BOOM! Silence...]
(What?... Wait… Mother?…Me?… But…No!... I’m not… Am I?)
That was the exact moment I realized I was officially old and nothing would ever be the same again.
By the way, if anyone wants to know what it feels like to shoot into the sky like a rocket only to be sucked into a Rolls Royce Turbofan and instantaneously chopped into a billion tiny pieces which are then vaporized in jet engine combustion I’m pretty sure I know just how it feels.
I don't remember much between the moment I found out she was considering me to be her step-father and when I walked out the door. I never let her know how she had so suddenly changed me. I did find out that her mother was exactly ten years older than me and I suppose I should feel good that she saw me as a potential partner for her own mother but that was little consolation at the time. In fact, that particular thought didn’t even occur to me until several days later.
I've never been back there since.
P.S. Alice was not her real name. I do remember and will always remember what it was but...
The shop seemed fairly new. It was clean and bright and the staff was friendly. The initial vibe I got was certainly promising. As usual I had no appointment but was told they could fit me in right away. I had barely taken a seat and opened a now forgotten magazine when I heard my name being called so very sweetly and looked up to see the kind of girl who sometimes graces these kinds of places with her presence but who never ever cuts MY hair. She introduced herself as Alice and invited me into the back to one of the chairs and en route I was thinking they probably just wanted to make sure I was officially seated and stuck in a chair before they brought Helga out from her hiding spot to cut my hair. To my surprise and cautious delight Helga never did appear and the Lovely Miss Alice stayed right where she was and began the best haircut of my life.
I first learned of and experienced a scalp massage when I got my hair cut in Japan. They sure know how to give a great massage over there and most that I have received since being back in Canada have generally been less stellar in comparison. The Lovely Miss Alice though was doing a great job and didn’t even try to make me talk while she was doing it; she just let me relax and enjoy it. I was sure it would end any moment but she continued for what seemed like double or triple the usual time. I’m never this lucky, I thought, but enjoyed every second of it.
I figured she was about 23 or 24 though I never did ask her of course. She was very pretty but to simply say she was hot would be to completely understate her attractiveness. The way she moved, the way she spoke, the elegance in her voice, the things she said, all showed me that she was entirely beautiful from the inside out. Even if she hadn’t been too young for me she was obviously way out of my league but I was just happy to be there anyway.
Anyone who knows me might be surprised to learn that I generally prefer to just get my hair cut rather than make a lot of small talk throughout all the combing and cutting. I just seem to end up with fewer hairs in my mouth at the end that way. This time though I was happy to answer any questions the Lovely Miss Alice cared to ask me. She was far too elegant to ask anything too personal but she did ask about some of my interests, likes and dislikes, favourite foods, movies, hobbies etc. She just seemed to be really taking an interest in me that no hair stylist had ever taken before. I admit I nearly allowed myself to think that maybe I still had it and that this scissors wielding sweetie was genuinely interested in me. However, I immediately remembered that I never ever had it in the first place so I couldn’t possibly still have it now then could I? Something just wasn’t right. The only logical possibility was that this whole thing was a dream, induced when Helga had clumsily knocked me out with the shower head on the end of the flexible water hose at the sink. Any second now surely I would be awakened by the scratching of her knuckle hairs against my temple as she trimmed my sideburns.
It was all very real though. As the Lovely Miss Alice was finishing up she suddenly apologized for asking me so many questions and then went on to explain that “It's just that I am kind of looking for a nice guy… (Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!)… to introduce to my recently single mother.”
[Que dramatic Death Star explosion - Flash! BOOM! Silence...]
(What?... Wait… Mother?…Me?… But…No!... I’m not… Am I?)
That was the exact moment I realized I was officially old and nothing would ever be the same again.
By the way, if anyone wants to know what it feels like to shoot into the sky like a rocket only to be sucked into a Rolls Royce Turbofan and instantaneously chopped into a billion tiny pieces which are then vaporized in jet engine combustion I’m pretty sure I know just how it feels.
I don't remember much between the moment I found out she was considering me to be her step-father and when I walked out the door. I never let her know how she had so suddenly changed me. I did find out that her mother was exactly ten years older than me and I suppose I should feel good that she saw me as a potential partner for her own mother but that was little consolation at the time. In fact, that particular thought didn’t even occur to me until several days later.
I've never been back there since.
P.S. Alice was not her real name. I do remember and will always remember what it was but...
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